50 or Kanye? Neither actually...

So the question on everyone's mind recently has been:

"WOW, WHY DOES BRITNEY SPEARS CONTINUE TO PUT US THROUGH SUCH TORTURE?"

But besides that, many peopel are asking

"OMG WTF WHU DO U TINK WILL CELL MO' DISCS, FITTY OR KANYE, LOL!?!?!!!?"

As a loyal citizen, I'm here to tell you to NOT purchase either of those CDs. In fact, I suggest that you download them illegally, and send them to as many friends as possible. Actually, let's take it a step beyond that, send it to everyone you can think of, even people you know don't like 50 Cent or Kanye West. Hell, I plan on burning it onto a CD, recording it to a cassette tape (for the younger audience, please wikipedia that) and sending it to my grandmother. I'll post a link in my away message (which will be checked by a grand total of 4 people) as to where to download both discs.

"BUT PHIL, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THE $25 I SAVED UP TO BUY THOSE CDS LOL?!?!?!"

Ah, I'm glad you asked that. A little band called Hot Hot Heat released their new disc yesterday called Happiness Ltd. and they are much more deserving of your $9.99 (or, $16.99 if you're one of those tools who still goes to FYE). Here's why you should buy Hot Hot Heat rather than 50 or Kanye

- Hot Hot Heat doesn't throw a temper tantrum when they lose to someone else in some meaningless bullshit award at the MTV VMAs

- Hot Hot heat doesn't need to remind you in every interview how they got shot 9 times

- Hot Hot Heat makes you dance, jump, and sign. 50 Cent and Kanye West make you defecate onto the floor.

- Hot Hot Heat will have no problem coming over and hanging out with your mom. It'll be a good, clean afternoon of watching TV and looking at old pictures of you. 50 Cent and Kanye West will be too busy flexing their muscles and wearing stupid white sunglasses.

- Hot Hot Heat are low in fat, low in sugar, high in fun!

Ok, so now, if you're looking for the 50 Cent or Kanye West CD, just ask whoever your "coolest" friend is (by coolest I mean your one friend who has finally moved on to not using Kazaa or Limewire) and ask them to get you the freshest jamz from 50 and Kanye so you can feel semi-rebellious while bumpin' those tunes in your Jeep Wrangler. Again, I'm not saying 50 Cent and Kanye aren't talented, I'm just asking you not to spend money on their music. Let me know if you have any more questions. Thanks!

Anatomy of a song - Motion City Soundtrack "Broken Heart"

Many times when listening to music we forget the real reason we listen: the way it makes us feel. Strip away all the pretentiousness in music, all the self-indulgence, all the added instrument solos and ask yourself "how does this song speak to me?" The songs that are best are the ones that speak to you. It can range from a simple melody over some chords to a trance-electronica song with 120 different tracks in it. If it exhibits a proper emotion, one that hits the listener in the gut, that's what makes it great.

This summer, Motion City Soundtrack's "Broken Heart" was one that did that for me. No, I'm not going to delve into some she-done-me-wrong type story, I'm leaving my personal life out of this. Instead, I want to talk about what's behind the lyrics and why they strike such a chord, not just with me, but with many.

I'll start this broken heart
I'll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before

Then I'll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that's yet to come
With fingers crossed there will be love

When you're alone or after you've severed ties or been left my a significant other, there's hardly a more vulnerable time in your life. At first you want to jump-start your heart so to say, jump right back in there not only to convince your ex that you're still in the game, but to convince yourself. The "mystery" the author is speaking of is the life after love is lost, which is indeed quite the tragic tale. But even as our protagonists drifts through this hopeless lost world without his heart, he'll still cross his fingers. That is until...

But I get carried away
With every day
And every fantasy
The deeper the wound
The harder I swoon
And wish that that was me
With so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it
You have to get used to it

How many times do we sit back and replay the events of losing the one love over and over again in our head? How many times do we look at someone on the street, in class, in our office with some type of desire and it only pours salt in the wound realizing that they can't love you and you'll never have them. How about that feeling when you want to scream from the top your lungs everything that's causing your pain yet you can't even begin to construct the sentences to describe to anyone else what's going on inside.

There's really no way to defeat loneliness. No matter how many books you read, how many movies you watch, it still lingers in your head, heart and in your stomach. But, alas, you have to get used to it because you have no other choice...

I'll devise the best disguise
A brand new look and take them by surprise
They'll never guess what's not inside

I'll express myself with ease
With confidence and character complete
With fingers crossed they'll talk to me

So while you're attempting to reconstruct the damage you're going to try to put a mask in to let everyone know that you're in control. Hell, you might even by some new clothes, get a new haircut, be open and warm and friendly for a change. Everything you can do to make sure no one ever finds out about the damage that's going on inside you. You'll laugh, you'll smile, you'll make a few witty jokes here and then to ensure everyone you've got confidence. Hell, maybe that'll make people start talking to you and, just maybe, you'll find that someone.

Let's not get too narsiccistic here. Not only could you be carrying around a broken heart, but others as well. How many times a day do we greet people with warm smiles and they return one back at us. How many of them could possibly be walking around with some sort of devestation that they're currently dealing with. It's amazing how civil we are with each other and how many times we answer the question of "How are you doing" with "good" when we all hardbor so much guilt, pain, resentment, anger, hurt and fear. We'll put on this friendly face to try and hope to bring people into our personal bubble and help deal with the pain. Maybe, just maybe, they'll be able to understand and they'll bring about the feelings we've been missing. Still...

But I get carried away
With every page in every magazine
The cheaper the thrill
The deeper I fill my head with blasphemy
With so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it
You have to get used to it
(So get used to it)

Still you can't get away from the fact that you're alone and have no one. Reading those magazines telling you the new fads, how to get into relationships, how to meet women/men, how to end your heartbreak, how to get a new look, etc. only add to your overwhelming feel of being disgusted, disillusioned and overall apathic to the everyday world. You try to meld yourself into "normal" society only to find that you're alone, you're on the outside, everyone else has that someone, everyone else has it together. So, take a deep breath, feel that sting in your eyes and realize that this is all you have.

I'll destroy this useless heart
I'll fuck it up so it'll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone

But I get carried away
With every phrase
And made up malady
The longer I hide
Behind these lies
The more I disintegrate
With so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it
You just have to live with it

That's it, you've had it. You'll stop your own heart so you don't have to deal with it and it'll never have to deal with anyone else. How many times have we pledged to ourself after a dismal relationship: "I'll never fall in love again"? So many poeple say that each day but yet, they still take on the quest to find what they lost. The longer they tell themselves lies, the longer they put on the fake face, the longer they try, they still find themselves falling apart. And, while falling apart, there's no one around to put them back together.

Why Brand New matters more than any other band today...

Have you heard of Brand New? There's a fairly good chance you have. They've had a few moderately popular singles on modern rock radio and kids on the 'net can't seem to stop raving about them.

I know what you're thinking: "Oh, wow, another Internet hype story. Which pretentious blogger is creaming his/her pants about them now?" but it's not that simple...

Allow me to use this analogy. We all know Pearl Jam, right? Back in the early 90's, along with Nirvana, Pearl Jam were basically the poster boys for the whole grunge thing. Hell, Time magazine even threw Eddie Vedder on the cover proclaiming him the "voice of a generation" and writing about how he was the lord and savior for all those angry/depressed/angsty kids who suffered from real pain (or were merely pissed that there dad asked them to take out the garbage). Their videos were getting constantly played on MTV (you remember when MTV played videos, right?), their songs were all over the radio, sold out shows, magazine covers, etc. Problem was, the band didn't want to have it anymore. They loved to make MUSIC. They didn't want to play the game. So they took matters into their own hands. They stopped making videos. They didn't' even release a proper single when their second disc, Vs. came out, they fought TicketMaster and tried to schedule a tour avoiding all TicketMaster venues. Sure, they didn't succeed on all levels but the point is this: THEY DIDN'T LET OVEREXPOSURE KILL THEM.

Throw a stone at the average mid-twentysomething American and they'll know Pearl Jam. They'll probably say something along the lines of "Oh yeah, they're old stuff was great before they got all wierd." And therein lies the genius of Pearl Jam. They never went away. They continued putting out interesting records a good 10 years after they faded away from the mainstream. Sure, there was some attention given to their last self-titled release with critics touting it as a "return to form" but really, the band has continued evolving, pushing themselves musically while not whoring themselves out. Yes, they did give interviews and, okay, they started playing TicketMaster venues again, the point was they had integrity and that portrayed the band as being somewhat mysterious in a way, which makes them even more interesting.

So, now let's talk about Brand New. For those not keeping up, they started as young kids on Long Island debuting with a record full of pop-punky ditties about girls hurting their feelings. Even though it was cliche subject matter, Your Favorite Weapon still was more accomplished then most of your Long Island pop-punk bands who whine about girls. The hooks were infection, the lyrics were clever and they didn't succumb to too many cliches. The record ended up selling 50,000 copies just based on word-of-mouth. People were watering at the mouth waiting for the follow-up, hoping to get some more witty, sarcastic, fun pop-punk songs.

And they had no idea what was in store for them.

Enter Deja Entendu released in June of 2003. A moody, more atmospheric, more mature, yet still clever, sophisticated, hooky and infection, this record was met with both shock and delight. Those fans still stuck in high school mode dismissed the band is being too pretentious. The other fans grabbed on to the record like it was a long-lost lover. They clung to ever lyric. They tried to decipher every phrase. I'll be willing to bet that almost every lyric can be found on someone's MySpace page. The band continued to tour and were clearly trying to distance themselves from the whole scene that worshiped them. With websites such as absolutepunk and punknews both giving the band approval, by the time summer 2004 rolled around, even more people were hungry for a follow-up. To add to the intensity, it was announced that they were leaving their label Razor & Tie for Interscope. Not that many people cared (though I'm sure a few still threw the "sellout" argument around), this was going to be a big release.

And then, nothing.

Literally, a year and 6 months go by. Sporadic updates of the recording sessions would come and go, but anytime someone would be standing out in the rain waiting for (insert emo band X)'s show, if the topic of Brand New came up, it was simply met with "Uh, yeah, I think they're coming out with a new one soon."

In March some demos leaked out onto the Internet. Fans were both surprised, disappointed and confused by the direction. The band was moving further and further away from its once youthful pop-punk sound. This was even moodier, darker and textured than Deja. Still, the fans continued to wait.

In late May of 2006, the band announced a tour. All the dates sold out pretty quickly. The band debuted some new material during the tour (about 2-3 songs per show) but still kept it to familiar favorites. Only, you could see the band was changing. They'd stretch out the songs a little more, indulge a little more in random bits of solos, adding new ideas and arrangements to the songs. They were becoming a BAND, they weren't just covering their own songs.

When The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me was finally released in November of '06 there was NO press done by the band. They would post blurbs on their website, but they refused to do interviews in the U.S. There were no music videos made. And, as they ignored their fans and the public more and more, the more people couldn't stop talking about them. Fans were both delighted, disappointed, enthralled and disgusted by the new direction. But most of all, NO ONE could stop talking about it. Discussion threads would go on for pages about the new direction. People were wondering why the band wasn't talking, why the band chose to keep such a low profile, why there were practically no liner notes in the new CD.

That's when I realized this band was the most important band out there today. They're not being championed by The Village Voice, they're not being raved about by "Steve's too-cool-for-school rock show" on college radio, SPIN and NME certainly aren't giving them extra coverage, but they have their OWN integrity. They are able to sell-out venues that bands with a song on Top 40 radio can't even fill. Most importantly, they get people talking about their music. People are PASSIONATE about their music. You think there's people passionate about Maroon 5? Nope. People like Maroon 5 the way they like ice cream. Enjoyable, sweet and fun. Brand New is something else. Brand New is something you can listen to for the rest of your life. Above all the bullshit that is pushed onto us by major labels, people are PULLING for Brand New. And that's why they are the smartest band out there today.

Concert Round-up

Ok people, you know the deal. Well, the 2 of you who read this know it. Anyways, much like the new music round-up, the concert round-up is where I give my 2 cents on a lot of the recent shows I've been to. If I feel like writing a lot, I will. If I don't feel like writing a lot, I won't. Simple as that.

8/4/07 - Warped Tour - Nassau Coliseum

Holy shit it was fucking hot. Anyways, Warpred Tour is nothing more than a sampling of bands. I hardly ever see a full set as I drift from stage to stage catching pieces of each act. No big surprises today (which I can't blame on the artists, since they only have a half hour set time). A few things that stood out was the fact that Tiger Army wasn't afraid to play their slow song. A haunting number Nick 13 wrote about a friend who took his own life. Circa Survive can still rip it up live. Coheed & Cambria seem out of place there. And, yeah, that's it. Typical Warped Tour. No more, no less.

8/6/07 - Muse - Madison Square Garden

Wow. Just wow. First off, it's awesome that these guys can fill up MSG without THAT much mainstream success. Sure, they have some popular singles, but everyone who was there was a fan. Sure, Matt Bellamy self-indulged in a little more rock-star posturing than he did nearly a year ago at their show at Hammerstein (weirdly, across the street from MSG) but he deserved it. Since they're massive in England, they know how to work arena and they're not intimidated by it. All those songs sound huge in the setting. Amazing how big of a wall of sound a three-piece can make (and their computer too, I guess).

8/8/07 - Beastie Boys - Central Park Summerstage

This show really goes to prove how they are legends and how they keep things interesting. The setlist consisted of material spawning every aspect of their career and you could tell they played the songs that THEY wanted to play. Mike D even made a point of saying how he took the subway up to the show and, you know what, I believe him. They jammed a few of their new instrumental tracks, played a lot of fan favorites, played some of the hits, I couldn't have asked for more. As my friend later pointed out, sometimes you forget that you're seeing one of the biggest bands in the world goofing around on a small stage in the middle of Central Park.

8/9/07 - Incubus - Jones Beach Amphitheatre

Boring, predictable, etc. Seriously, do they have to do that same jam in the middle of "Sick Sad World" everytime? January's show at Hammerstein was so much better. I'm not just saying that because I was stuck in a seat, the whole thing just felt like they were on auto-pilot. I do respect how they don't play all their hit singles and switch the setlist up a bit, but the show just seemed SOOOOOO uninspired. Bleh, hopefully next time will be better. On another note, The Bravery were also a complete bore which is disappointing considering both times I've seen them (Webster Hall and Irving Plaza), they were much more on point.

8/14/07 - Mae - Grammercy Theatre

Hey, Capital Records, if I were you, I'd take this as NOT a good sign. The band you just signed with a supposed following couldn't even fill up the Grammercy Theatre on the release date of their new record. Something wrong? I think so. Mae is fine. Good meat-and-potatoes, safe, friendly pop/rock. They write some pretty melodies. They could have the potential to have a few crossover hits. We'll see what the label chooses to do with them. As for the show? Predictable set. Now, on the other hand, openers As Tall As Lions are a band you need to go listen to if you're reading this.

8/18/07 - Velvet Revolver (w/Alice In Chains) - Jones Beach Amphitheatre

Holy shit, Alice In Chains killed it. I thought with having a new singer it would be kinda strange, but it was ON POINT. The crowd was definitely more into them than VR. Alice looked so happy to be up there on stage again (as an added bonus, they were dressed like it was still 1992). It was powerhouse hit after hit. The same can't be said for Velvet Revolver. Everytime I see them it's as if there's a certain level of intensity missing. Similar to Incubus it's kind of like each MEMBER is on Auto-Pilot which usually works for the whole but there's a few parts that are noticeable. Someone screwed up when they were doing STP's "Vasoline" and the timing was off in a few numbers. Weiland seems to be smoking too much also (the high notes on "Fall To Pieces" were suffering). Still, I don't think I could ever give up the chance to see Scott Weiland perform.

My top 10 saddest songs...

Sunday nights are usually a night for reflection. A night thinking about what one has to get through in the coming week, about what one regrets about the past week (or just about their lives in general). Most often, moods are pretty low on Sunday evenings (last night's hangover is still lingering around, or if you're into hard drugs, you're probably coming down pretty hard, considering the miserable rain that's currently covering New York City). Here's a list of my all-time top 10 sad songs, most aren't critically acclaimed, but they meant a lot to me. I guess this is my first real "serious" post, that is, one where I'm not making fun of anybody, being cynical or making random jokes. In retrospect, I guess this is me at my most naked and vulnerable (kind of weird to think that we're most vulnerable when we're being completely honest, huh?)

10) Matthew Good "Running For Home" (from their 1999 release Beautiful Midnight)
This gorgeous piano ballad closes off a flawless record. Said to be written about how Matt's friends were changing as his band saw more and more success this is the perfect soundtrack to what happens when life comes at you too fast. You look at yourself in the mirror one night and realize that you don't recognize what you see. You hate what you see and there's no hope or nothing to do to change yourself. You then realize that everyone else was right and you were wrong.
BEST LYRIC: "I turn the light on and there's nothing left redeeming"

9) Bush "Glycerine" (from their 1994 release Sixteen Stone)
Such an important song in my adolescence, and it still means so much today. I remember reading that Gavin wrote it about "when you really want something to work out, but you know in your heart, it just can't." How many of us have been in those situations? Where we long for someone so much even when we know it just isn't going to happen. It's one of those songs that will make you think of your ex from years ago, the one you still haven't closed the book on. It's one of those songs that means something to everyone at some point in their life.
BEST LYRIC: "I needed you more, when you wanted us less"

8) Gary Jules "Mad World" (From the Donnie Darko soundtrack)
Yes, I know this is a Tears For Fears cover. But I'm lifting that rule because even the frontman of Tears For Fears admitted he prefers this version to his own. I remember when I first heard it, I was watching Donnie Darko. It came at a point in the film when there was the slow realization that everything and everyone in Donnie's life seemed to either be falling apart or trapped in their own world of lies. To this day, I can't find a better placed song in a movie than this one. The way Jules voice quivers around the lyrics makes my stomach turn.
BEST LYRIC: "And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, that dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

7) Goo Goo Dolls "Name" (From their 1995 release A Boy Named Goo)
The big breakthrough for these college/alternative rockers, this is probably still their most sincere song to date. Not really about a particular subject, but just about how you look back and realize you've sold yourself short, you've given up on your dreams, you've surrendered to a life of TV dinners and cheap thrills. As you're looking out the window on your drive home from work (or your commute home) you'll hear this song and sigh, wondering how you fell into this rut and how you can't do anything to escape it.
BEST LYRIC: "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?"

6) Our Lady Peace "Superman's Dead" (From their 1997 release Clumsy)
Probably the only non-ballad on this list, I still think this song means more to me than almost any song to date. It was released right when I was 13, right at the age of the subject(s) in the song. The song tells the tale of both a boy and a girl discovering the world isn't the peaceful, wonderful place they initially thought it would be. They both question their faith, question what makes them able to be noticed and ask why Superman is dead. Some may say it's about being bullied and, while that could be a reference in the song, it still speaks to the overall theme of feeling alienated and disenchanted with the modern world at such a young age. At the finale, where singe Raine Madia asks us "doesn't anybody ever know that the world's a subway" referring to the idea that all our dreams sink underground, still is gut-wrenching to me to this day. The perfect soundtrack to the loss of innocence
BEST LYRIC: "You're happy 'cuz you smile, but how much can you fake?"

5) Alice In Chains "Nutshell" (From their 1994 release Jar Of Flies)
Many will argue that "Down In A Hole" is Alice In Chain's most brutal moment, but this tender ballad wins in my book every time. Layne Staley was such a tragic character, hopelessly addicted to drugs, and even as he fought for his life, he couldn't kill his addiction (which would end up killing him in the long run). This track is probably his most naked, his most honest, and one of the few where he sings about others instead of just himself. The narrator sees everyone else chasing lost dreams, believing in lies and yet he still fights on, yet without a place to call home and certainly no one's shoulder to rest his head on. As he tries his hardest, the feeling that he's fighting a losing battle continues to creep up on him.
BEST LYRIC: "If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead"

4) Pearl Jam "Black" (From their 1991 release Ten)
I know it's one of their most famous songs, but there's a reason for it. This is probably the most passionate post breakup song you can listen to (that's not ridiculously cheesy and sappy). Our protagonist here is obviously pining over the loss of his loved one, but he's not just sad, he can't understand it all. He gave her everything, let her in, and she still isn't there. He's left with "bitter hands" and wondering "what was everything?" How many of us have been in the same situation? How many of us have the hopelessness that follows when losing that special someone? Absolutely gut-wrenching when you inspect the song.
BEST LYRIC: "I know you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star, but in somebody else's sky and why can't it be mine?"

3) Third Eye Blind "God Of Wine" (From their 1997 self-titled release)
Singer Stephan Jenkins always calls this the band's drinking song and I can see why. It's the type of song that speaks about the effects of alcohol and how it really works. When drinking, we usually start with a buzz that makes us happy, looses us up, makes us more social. But in the end, alcohol really leaves us with the feeling that everything is crumbling, the ones we pine after are the ones we can't have, and that there's nothing we can about it in our drunken state. Obviously this song can also have a similar meaning to "Glycerine", the idea of really wanting what we know we'll never have. But still it's the alcohol that really stimulates these emotions.
BEST LYRIC: "There's a memory of a window, looking through I see you searching for something I could never give you"

2) Matthew Good Band "Strange Days" (from their 1999 release Beautiful Midnight)
Like "Name" this songs seem to sum up a whole bunch of shityness. The idea of drifting off to sleep in traffic and then when the narrator asks us if we always hit the brakes brings up the idea that begs the question "Do we always try to stop ourselves before we hit the ground, or does a sick part of us love hitting the floor?" The other idea of us either being "dead or dying" is, while a completely terrible way to look at things, true. If you aren't dead, you're currently decaying and while you're decaying, you certainly aren't always enjoying the time you're spending on earth. A truly beautiful gift from Matthew Good to everyone. And remember when he sings "Good morning, don't cop out" he's talking to you.
BEST LYRIC: "The reasons for being are easy to pay, you can't remember the others, they just kind of went away"

1) Nine Inch Nails "Hurt" (From their 1994 release The Downward Spiral)
Fuck the Johnny Cash version. While that version is still beautiful, Trent's song is still absolutely breath-taking. Written at the end of a concept album about the narrator slowly spiraling downward (hence the title, right?) this is the most naked, honest, sincere and devastating confession I've ever heard. The way the writer blames no one but himself for his woes, the self-reflection, the realization that everyone has left him is beautiful. It sends a burning feeling through my chest when he sings "You are someone else, I am still right here."
BEST LYRIC: "What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end..."

Why sign with a major label anymore?

I know what you're thinking. I'm going to go on some long rant about how signing to a major label is like signing your soul to devil. I'll go on to say that you give up all your integrity and become a corporate whore by signing to one of the majors. I'll bitch and moan about how major label music is nothing but watered-down, over-commercialized, sterile bullshit. I'll point out how the underground "scene" is much more relevant than anything released on a major label. At any given chance, I'll make it a point to make fun of MTV and all other commercial media outlets.

Sorry to dissapoint, but that's not the reason for this post.

Let's get one thing clear before I start. I have no problem with major labels. I have no problem with bands that sign with major labels. 10 years ago it was a great idea. If you're in a band, you want your music to get out to the most people. You want to sell millions of records. You want your songs to be hits. Even the most arrogant indie bands secretly wish that their songs were readily available to the masses. After all, that's why we start playing guitar. Once we write a song we think is great, we want everyone possible to hear it. We want to be able to share our art with as many people as possible.

However, it's 2007, not 1997 and times have obviously changed. Here's an example. I recently learned the Alkaline Trio signed with Epic Records. This band has been putting out records on indie labels (well, kind-of-indie, Vagrant is partially owned by Interscope, which is a division of Universal Music), built up a following, and can pack clubs. So they're on Epic now. Great! The only problem is, what is Epic going to do for them that hasn't already been done for them.

Indie labels aren't really independent. Sure, they're not owned by a larger corporation, but it's not like you're an independent band if you're signed to some of these. You still have a bulk of the people doing the work, making sure your albums are in CD stores, on Itunes, making sure you're on tour. Hell, you even have roadies setting up your gear if you're a big "indie" band. If you're The Shins, who are on Sub Pop, you're playing large venues, you have merch people, you have roadies, you have a tour manager, you have a publicist, etc. This begs the question: what's the difference between an "indie" artist and a major label artist anymore?

Bands usually decide to sign with majors because they feel the majors can push their music to the masses. The think majors will get their songs airplay, get people in Middle America more interested. The problem is, majors don't really have much power these days. With MySpace, YouTube, and numerous other web-based music-inspired sites, the audience is so fragmented that it doesn't really matter if you're on Warner Brothers Records anymore. People are listening to FM radio less and less. You can't rely on that good 'ol rock radio hit anymore. This is because NOBODY'S LISTENING.

Getting back to the Alkaline Trio, they already have a big fanbase. I'm sure they have people at Vagrant who are radio promo people, calling up modern rock stations pushing their singles. They have a tour manager who's taking care of booking shows. They have a publicist, getting them minor spots in major magazines. So what can Epic do for them that Vagrant can't do? Epic may have given them a shitload of cash when they signed, but they have to make that back and how? Alkaline Trio is not going to have a platinum record. Don't get me wrong, I think they're a great band, but their time to "make it" has come and passed. From the scene they come from, you only get one chance. It usually comes off of a well-received minor indie release. There's a ton of buzz about it, you ride the buzz of this release while recording the big-deal follow-up and then when the follow-up hits, boom your stars. Or, the follow-up hits and people just aren't interested anymore. Most people who would be Alkaline Trio fans already know about them. They're not cute enough to make it into TRL. They're not poppy enough for Top 40 radio, so where else can they go? There are less and less Alternative stations in the country, so is it really in Epic's best interest to put a bunch of money behind a record that will most likely sell 100-150k? It's going to be the same old routine. After it's all over the band will blame the label for not "giving them enough attention and enough promotion." The label will then blame the band for "not making a record that's marketable" and they'll be history. In fact they'll probably alienate a part of their fanbase who (wrongly so) think the band is "selling out" by signing to Epic.

Look, like I said before, I have no problems with major labels. Hell, I'd probably sign to one. But these days, it's not a question of selling out, it's a question of a smart business decision. Here's what'll happen if you sign to a major:

YOU'LL OWE LOTS OF MONEY TO THEM. Think that $1 million advance is a gift? Not a chance. You gotta make that back. You also have to make the label back to the cost of recording, making a video, promotion the record, etc. If you're a baby act, maybe this will be a chance for you to get your music to the masses. If you're an act on a big indie with an already established fanbase, why do it these days? There's the off chance you'll cross over to the mainstream but if you're 6 records deep, the chances are growing slimmer by the day. Just keep building on the audience you already have and get your music to the most people possible. That is, of course, why you started a band, right?

Indie goes hip-hop, what next?

So, have you any of you heard about this new compilation coming out called Indie Goes Hip Hop? No? Well, it's not that important. Apparently a bunch of "indie" bands (really, what's considered indie these days, even if you're on a non-major label, you still have a bunch of people doing work for you, you're not doing it independantly). Anyways, a bunch of these "indie" bands are covering classic and non-classic hip-hop songs. Wow, I think my irony bubble finally burst.

I mean, I'm sure these guys are totally just paying homage to their influences. I'm sure they're totally not snickering underneath it all and doing it as a big act of "Hey! Isn't it funny and ironic that a bunch of skinny/doofy white guys are covering hip-hop songs. We all grew up in the suburbs and have no idea what it was like to struggle in some of the places these rap artists have been, but we totally just want to pay tribute to them."

The title of this post is "Indie goes hip-hop, what next?" That wasn't asked as a rhetorical question, I'm actually going to tell you what's going to come next. I mean, if indie can go hip-hop than think of how many other cool combinations we can come up with. Here's a few you might be seeing talked about on whatever stupid blog you read or website you visit to purchase music (and maybe in a few of those stores left over that sell CDs).

White Trash Bouncers Rawk Hard, y'all!

At pretty much any show you go to, chances are, there's some big dude with lots of cliche tattoos catching all the fat kids who crowd surf and taking the opportunity to beat ass whenever given the chance. For example, if you drop your cell phone, you can bet this bouncer is going to kick your ass. Anyways, for this compilation, all the angry bouncers are going to sing and play all those stereotypical macho nu metal songs. They'll cover artists such as Godsmack, Saliva, Disturbed, etc. Fans will be amazed at how "hard" the CD sounds. Tough guys everywhere will have a new soundtrack for when they bench that 400 lbs every week.

Rap goes soft rock

Ever wonder what it would be like if Ice Cube covered Michael Bolton? Well now's your chance to hear! In this compilation, we're going to round up the "hardest" rappers and have them sing all those elavator favorites. I don't mean they're going to record a hip-hop version, I mean Ice Cube is literally going to sing Michael Bolton's "When A Man Loves A Woman"? How awesome would that be? The inside will be all of these rappers dressed up in sweaters with turtlenecks, in the midst of a golf game at the country club. Here's a few tentative tracks:

Wu-Tang Clan "My Heart Will Go On" (Celine Dion cover) - They'll take turns doing the verses/choruses since there's so many of them. I think Gizza will actually take the main chorus though.

DMX "You're Beautiful" (James Blunt cover) - It's just going to be DMX on vocals with Suge Knight playing piano. They will hold hands while recording.

Lil John "Your Body Is A Wonderland" (John Mayer cover) - This usual borefest will be brought to life as Lil John croons his way through this touching new version.

Kids Who Constantly Bitch Of Internet Messageboards about bands selling out and being "fags" compilation

On pretty much every messageboard on the internet pertaining to music, there's some kid in his mom's basement, sipping Dr. Pepper and complaining about how sold out, isn't emo enough or are homosexuals. Now, those kids are finally getting a voice! This will actually be a double-disc compilation. All the bands on here will be made up of kids who constantly bitch on the internet. Ironically, it will sound no different from most of the popular bands they bitch about. The same kids who recorded music for the CD will then log onto their own websites forums to call themselves "fagz 4 real" and then saw "p3wnnnnnnd".

Local Brooklyn pretentious hipster/dufus bands covering Creed and Nickelback

Picture this: All those boring "indie" bands from Brookyln that you can't tell apart (because they all have the same damn haircut for some reason) are going to cover the two bands them and the music press complains most about: Nickelback and Creed! Think how amazing it'll be to hear some monotone voice singing "Can you take me hiiiiiiiiiigher?" Amazingly, this compilation will gain more attention than any of these bands ever will.

Record Label Drunk Secretaries Kareoke versions of Artists

You know for sure that every year, despite continuing loss of profit, each major label throws its apathetic employees a Christmas Party. What better idea than to have your employees sing kareoke versions of artists on your label? Say, for example, that you're at the Sony Music Christmas party. While Tommy Motolla is busy getting freaky with whatever the latest pop young diva is, you have his "administrative assistants" (i.e. the girls he bangs on the side) doing a drunken version of "Since U Been Gone." Kids from all over the world can hear what they have to look forward to when they enter a long life of pissing their time away in a cubicle to make more goofy white guys rich. Bonus disc will come for when the intern duets with label president on "Sk8er Grl" or whatever that garbage is...

Who's your favorite concert character?

After going to numerous shows for 10+ years (yes, it's really been that long assholes) I've determined that there are several common characters you'll find at rock concerts these days. They may very slightly (i.e. the Godsmack tattoo is found on their right bicep rather than their lower back) but mostly epitomize the same stereotype. Please enjoy my list and let me know if I've missed out on any important characters.

1) The Old Stuff Is Better Guy
Doesn't matter what the band is doing these days. They could be making the weirdest instrumental music, creating the hardest rocking tunes of their career or a combination, but this guy is never satisfied. "I'm only here for the old shit" is his most common statement in between drags of a never-ending pack of cigarettes. Forget the fact that he wouldn't have known about the band had it not been for their new stuff (16-year-old Weezer fans, I'm looking in your direction), the only thing worth listening to is the first record (and maybe moments of the second). I'm usually involved in this conversation:

HIM: Yeah dude, the old shit is so much better, after that, the music just got totally gay.

ME: Interesting. So it started having sexual relations with other music of its same gender?

HIM: Shut up, fag.

Unfortunately, this guy never seems to go away because, like his music tastes, he never moves forward in life and will still be seen at every show you're at, shouting for the old songs.

2) The fat "All the girls here are sluts/whores" girl

This is usually the fat girl with glasses that has camped out on the front rail for the past 4 stops of the tour. She'll get there at 5am so she reserves this spot (only usually to have it taken from her when the crowd gets a little rowdy). She's quick to dismiss any semi-attractive girl because, "these girls dress like total sluts." What it really comes down to is the fact that she's insecure and there for pretty much the same reasons as the girls dressed as total tramps: She wants to suck off the touring keyboardist. She's also the same girl that posts on every bands message board with a never ending mantra of pictures of her and bands in her signature as well as pictures of her and her "fiance" (usually a dude who's also overweight and has bad facial hair). If you listen to washed up 90's alt-rock bands, you'll see a lot of these girls (and, since I do listen to lots of washed up 90's alt-rock bands, I have to deal with her a lot).

3) The AC/DC shirt guy

No matter how awesome the show you're at is, no matter how much the band kills it, it will never top the '87 Back In Black tour (NOTE: I don't know, or care, if AC/DC was on tour in 1987 or if they were promoting Back In Black at the time, blow me). Usually carries around some stank bottle of whiskey under his jean jacket that he offers to 14-year-old kids with braces (who take a swig, nearly vomit, and then muster up the courage to say "yeah man, that's some good shit!") Usually also features green teeth, dark ratty long hair and will hit on all those disgusting biker chicks that make you vomit. Luckily, I've been seeing this guy less and less at most shows (probably because he's 55+ at this point). Hopefully we can exterminate this breed from earth and move on.

4) The "yo man, watch my girl" dude

DRESS: Polo shirt or button-down shirt with 2-3 buttons unbuttoned (to show off the sweet chest hair), collar popped, stupid barbed wire tattoo, holding onto his girlfriend who has the skunk dye job, way too much eye make-up and sandals. These two morons usually stake out the front of the stage and when people start dancing, pushing, moshing, and doing the electric slide, this guy is sure to grab anyone who comes within 2 feet of his girl, shove them roughly and shout "Yo man, watch my girl." Another version of this character reverts back to the fat "all the girls are sluts" girl and her annoying boyfriend. They somehow think people are trying to "get" with her when they bump into her and also will shove you when some musclehead with a Godsmack t-shirt starts "kicking major ass!" in the pit and you get thrown into them. Bad news all round people, please don't breed any more fat people (or people who like Godsmack)

5) The pretentious hipster dufus

This (and I say this meaning it's a thing, not a real person) can come in two forms: male or female. They usually stick their nose up at most of the crowd and pat themselves on the back for being from New York (NOTE: Although they live in New York, their usually originally from New Jersey, Iowa, or some other shithole state that they constantly rage against). Cheesy facial hair or elegantly disheveled hair, tight t-shirts and even tighter jeans can be found on these guys. Make sure not to mention the Velvet Underground because they will cream their pants and then you'll be standing in a big wet sopping mess right there in Irving Plaza. What's also funny is, usually, there's some photo tucked away in the family photo album of them with an over-sized Bush or Limp Bizkit shirt on. Everyone of them also thinks that "everyone from high school sucked" and that "I was different" which not only clusters them even closer together, but gives them no form of originality except for the strict code of ethics that them and all their dumbass friends follow. Avoid at all costs (except when going to a Young Jeezy concert)

6) The annoying street team girl

Unlike you and I, when these girls go to defecate, they actually shit out stickers of shitty bands. Seriously, these girls have a never ending supply of stickers to hand out to you as you were entering/exiting a show, going to the bathroom, going to get a drink, going to scratch your ass, etc. One of the best ways this country could stop pollution is getting rid of street teamers and their dumbass stickers for us to conveniently toss onto the ground. Oh, and you assholes who put that bullshit on my windshield during the show, I'm on to you. There will be a stiff kick to the colon if I ever catch you guys. Also, street teamers will usually be running around with a clipboard hoping to get you to sign up for some shitty mailing list so some shitty band can email you 6 times a day about their shitty shows for their shitty music and also shitty updates "from the road."

7) The "hey let's start a mosh pit to this total puss-rock band" guy

If you ever go see a light rock or pop/rock band that has that one semi-aggressive song, there's usually some idiot who tries to start a push mosh pit with a bunch of 40-year-old corporate ball-lickers and little girls around. Clearly lacking the inability to judge the environment he's currently he in, he then acts totally surprised when grabbed by the "yo man, watch my girl" asshole. On the other hand, I kind of like seeing this guy piss everyone off, so it really depends on my mood whether I like him or hate him.

8) The person trying to carry four beers through a packed crowd

This always seems to happen at Hammerstein ballroom for reason. The person has the tray of four drinks, filled to the top, and then tries carrying them all the way to the front WITHOUT SPILLING A DROP. However, when they do spill, it's always on you and is simply brushed off with a "woah, sorry dude."

9) The guy who doesn't quite understand why roadies have to test out the instruments.

What most people understand is that when the roadies do the whole "Check 1, 2, 3" thing into the mic, they are testing the levels, not to see if it works or not. So, yes you, the guy who yells "It works, just plug in and go!", you really need to shut the fuck up. Unless you want the band to sound like a cow getting raped by Raffi, they need to check the levels so everything sounds right. If you can't understand, please go back to watching the WWE or NASCAR or whatever the fuck it is you do to stimulate the two brain cells you have left.

10) The "Freebird" guy

I have no idea why this was ever funny, yet alone why it's still funny but it needs to end. There's no need to yell "Freebird" at some point. No one wants to hear that song and the band you're watching sure as hell doesn't want to play it. Seriously, it's NOT FUCKING FUNNY, stop doing it.

11) The person who uses their sidekick/cell phone for the entire set
Ever notice that when the band first comes on, no longer do people cheer, but cell phones immediately go up to take crappy pictures and videos. Listen, this is for all you losers who post your own videos on You Tube from shows. No one wants to see your crappy video with the shaky camera and the audio that sounds like someone stepping on the nuts of a Siamese cat. IT SOUNDS SHITTY AND IT LOOKS SHITTY which means NO ONE WANTS TO FUCKING WATCH IT. Also, why the hell are you blowhards spending the entire concert trying to get pictures and watching the show through your tiny cell phone video recorder. Is that REALLY how you want to remember the experience?

12) "Hard dudes" at girly pop-punk shows

Ok man, listen, it's Yellowcard at the Nokia Theatre here in Times Square. There's no need for you to wear your bandanna and wife beater and act like you're some trashy bar in White Plains. NOBODY'S IMPRESSED. This guy will be the first to start the pit and will push little girls and small kids around just to "get his mosh on, brah." Why people like this are allowed to breed, I have no idea...

13) Those bored girls in the VIP section

Take a glance up at the VIP section in any club (particularly those in NYC) and you'll see the same old girls with the same shitty blonde hair dye jobs, looking completely bored. In fact, for the most part they don't even know the band, the songs, or even where they are for the most part. What they do know is they've banged the balding bass player at least 40 times and keep coming back for more for some reason since they love the prestige of being up in the VIP area even though they will loudly declare that they are "so sick of the scene." Yeah, right. They will scorn pretty much every other girl in there and will sit with the pout look on their face for the entire night (until later in the evening, when something sweaty is inserted into their mouth, wiping the pout face off for a guaranteed 2 minutes at least).

14) Music Industry blowhards hanging out in the back

There's usually two types of these. The unpaid interns who somehow have business cards trying to impress 16-year-olds by offering them tips for "making it in the industry." The other type is the balding, impotent, cokehead exec who is frustrated because it's not 1994 and kids are stealing all his shitty acts' music off of Limewire or whatever bullshit p2p program is big at the moment. He's usually in the VIP section right along next to the previously mentioned bored VIP girls, looking for a Dirty Sanchez later in the evening while his unaware wife is at home.

15) The bitter/cynical/sarcastic dork who makes fun of everyone and then goes home to write about it in his stupid blog that no one reads.

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.

Dissecting PAED

For those of us tuned into the online music world of news and commentary, a lot of venture to Pitchfork to read reviews of the latest hot jamz (no need for the s anymore kids) from our favorite artists. The problem is that Pitchfork has its own language. It's called PAED (pronounced just like the word "paid"). What it stands for is: Pretentious and Enlightened Douche. PAED has been building a strong following in the last 7 or so years. I'd like to think SPIN would be the first place I caught this new language, and since then, it's navigated to Pitchfork, punknews.org and every other blog written by someone with dumb glasses and stupid haircuts living in Brooklyn (SIDENOTE: When did glasses all of a sudden become cool? There's a reason "four eyes" is a famous insult, we need to bring that back). Not a lot of people are fluent in PAED but chances are, if you go catch an Of Montreal show, you'll find many people speaking the language. I'll give a few examples:

"You listen to My Chemical Romance? That's pure corporate product." TRANSLATION: "Since I'm so insecure with myself, I judge people based on their music tastes alone and if you listen to anything that 13-year-old girls like, you must be an idiot and I'll refer to the band as a "product" even if they've toured their asses off in shitty vans, playing even shittier clubs."

"People from Middle America just don't understand the brilliance of Bright Eyes. I mean, most of those guys like Nickelback or that kind of crap." TRANSLATION: "Even though I come from the middle of Pennsylvania, since I moved to Brooklyn, I have automatically transformed into a more enlightened and cultured individual. Oddly enough, I preach to others that I am individual and accept all people for what they are, yet at the same time, I find it acceptable to generalize about 95% of the U.S. population."

"This club used to be cool but there are too many B&T people here." TRANSLATION: "I need to assert myself over the other people in this place because I feel insecure so I have to point out that they are not from Manhattan. Nevermind that 98% of the island isn't from here originally, and I grew up in Texas. I'm now living in Manhattan and I'm better than everyone."

Whew, I almost broke a sweat. Ok kids, listen up. For today's listen, I'm going to translate a review from Pitchfork since their reviews are written entirely in PAED. This one is for one of the freshest jamz of the last 10 years: Foo Fighters The Colour And The Shape. Make sure you're taking notes so you're not confused next time you go see that "genius" from Bright Eyes make animal noises with his guitar. (Pitchfork is in bold, I'm not, even though I am).

The Colour and the Shape was the Foo Fighters' second album, but it's the first to receive the commemorative 10th anniversary treatment. That's not to suggest the album is superior to Dave Grohl's 1995 Foos debut (it's not), but its double-platinum sales did mark the band's permanent transformation from humble hobby project into the grunge Wings: i.e., a band that could never claim the same cultural impact as its antecedent, but that can at least get played just as much on KROQ. And that was to be expected-- The Colour and the Shape's 1997 release was perfectly timed to herald modern rock radio's shift from grunge's roar to emo's wail.

TRANSLATION: I have to first make it clear that I knew about Foo Fighters from day one and I appreciate their first CD the most, since that was the least successful. I also have to claim that the record was somewhat tailored for radio play because, anytime someone cleans up the sound of their guitars or drums, they're clearly thinking "Yes! Radio will play this song!" To sum up, I am establishing my credibility in this first paragraph.

More so than the Foo Fighters' debut-- a homemade, self-recorded collection of demos Grohl had accumulated while manning Nirvana's drum stool-- The Colour and the Shape presented a true picture of the kind of group Grohl wanted to be in, had he not been sidetracked by the job of drumming for the biggest American rock band of the early 1990s. But despite Grohl's dream-team assembly-- Pixies producer Gil Norton, Germs guitarist Pat Smear, Sunny Day Real Estate bassist Nate Mendel, and former Alanis Morrissette drummer Taylor Hawkins (who joined after the album's recording)-- that band would turn out to be much more formulaically mall-punk than the Foos' torn 'n' frayed debut suggested.

TRANSLATION: I'm making it a point to remind you, yet again, that I liked the debut better because it's so much cooler to be down with the old stuff than new stuff. Notice how I point out how there were former members of The Germs and Sunny Day Real Estate. You might, at first, think I was mentioning that in case some people didn't know. Well, that's part of the reason, but the other reason is so I can assert myself over you and subconsciously point out that you're not as cultured as I am since you probably don't own and Germs or Sunny Day Real Estate records.

On that first album, Grohl displayed a remarkable deftness for balancing melody and menace-- even as the rocket-launcher riffs of "This Is a Call" and "I'll Stick Around" shot into the red, he never lost his cool. On The Colour and the Shape, the noise/pop relationship feels more forced, like Grohl's trying too hard to grind down his sweet tooth into a fang, dressing up virtually every song in a chrome-plated guitar gilding that boosts the volume and fidelity, but ultimately dulls the impact. Maybe he's overcompensating for being a softie at heart: the gentlest turns are either presented as brief teasers (the 84-second opener "Doll"), are appended with portentous, power-ballad choruses ("February Stars"), or are muted into a blur ("Walking After You", which reappeared in improved, revised form on The X-Files movie soundtrack). Or just contrast the first album's standout single "Big Me" with The Colour's "Up in Arms", two melodically similar songs in vastly different packaging: Where the former is content to coast as a simple, gentle jangle, the latter resorts to a soft/loud about-face that feels like nudge-wink schtick.

TRANSLATION: Wow, I bet you thought I was reviewing The Colour And The Shape but I'm teasing you by still talking about the 1st record. I'm making comparisons between songs on those records and making sure you realize that, yes, once again the first record is superior than the second. Even though the first record used the same soft/loud dynamics that I'm complaining about, I'm still going to bitch because that's what I do best!

Listening to the album a decade later, it's clear the singles were singles for a reason: "Monkey Wrench" romps like a typical Grant Hart Hüsker Dü number but is given a massive kick by Grohl's climactic, hoarse-throated third verse, and "My Hero" strikes the uncharted middle ground between sensitive-guy vulnerability and Super Bowl pre-game show soundtrack. And then, of course, there's the song that's kept me from unloading this disc at the used-record store: "Everlong", one the most affecting, passionate rock songs of the 1990s-- Sonic Youth's "Teenage Riot" recast as Weezer's "Say It Ain't So". (And yet, not even this pensive ode to blossoming romance is immune from the Foos' jokester tendencies-- thanks to its horror-spoof video, every time I hear this song I picture Taylor Hawkins in a Goldilocks outfit.)

TRANSLATION: So, here I do something out of the norm. I actually compliment the singles. In typical PAED fashion, I usually would poo-poo the singles because other people like them. However, I'm also sure to call out Sonic Youth to again assert myself over you because you probably don't have any of their records. I'm also letting you know that I really don't think this CD is that big of a deal and would have sold it to a used CD store (or your kid brother Blake) because I couldn't be bothered with such rubbish, yet when Sonic Youth goes around recording the sound of the heater clicking and a toilet being plunged, I'll refuse to part with that CD overnight and make up some bullshit story about how it "shaped my musical tastes."

The six B-sides tacked onto this anniversary edition-- four of them covers-- would seemingly serve as little more than excuse for the Foos to goof off, but in effect they lend the '97 Foos more, well, color and shape. On the album proper, Grohl shrieks that he doesn't get "enough space," but the robo-punk redux of Vanity 6's "Drive Me Wild" and the dub-metal prowl through Gary Numan's "Down in the Park" give the Foos room to explore the outer edges of their pop-punk parameters. Even the song most susceptible to the vagaries of kitsch, Gerry Rafferty's smooth-rock standard "Baker Street", is played with a straight face, and proves an ideal complement to Grohl's voice (though it also proves you shouldn't send a guitar to do a sax's job). The final bonus cut is the caterwauling, feedback-screeched title track, which was left off the original tracklist yet provides the only real evidence on this whole album that one of the Foo Fighters used to be in The Germs.

TRANSLATION: Since I gave the CD a 5.8 (which would still be an F by most school's standards) I have to at least tell you some of the parts I think are good. Naturally, those would be the B-sides, since that re-emphasises how I'm into things that are "out-of-the-norm" and "not mainstream."

Then again, this album was always about severing ties to the past, with Grohl's post-relationship purging ("I was always caged and now I'm freeeee!") doubling as a metaphor for his promotion from drummer to camera-ready frontman. At the time of The Colour and the Shape's release, many interpreted "My Hero" as a requiem for Kurt Cobain. But if there's a conversation going on between Grohl and his fallen friend here, it's in the arena-sized chorus of "Hey, Johnny Park", when he wonders, "Am I selling you out?" As the subsequent 10-year string of radio hits has shown, it's a question Grohl would never have to ask again.

TRANSLATION: Even though Dave Grohl went through a messy divorce around the time of making the record, I'm still going to assume that "Monkey Wrench" was written about him jumping ship from drums to guitars. Who cares that he had been writing songs since 1990 on guitar, I mean, the meaning is clear! I also make it a point to use the good ol' "sellout" argument because Foo Fighters have achieved mainstream success. Even though Dave Grohl has always wrote passionate songs, stayed away from trends yet refined the bands sound, I must make it a point to knock them down a few notches because they sound a lot crisper and cleaner than Nirvana.

Well, I hope I helped clear up the PAED language. If you have any more questions, just hop on the subway over to Williamsburg and I'm sure someone will be happy to assist you.

An open letter to major labels...

Dear Sony BMG, Warner Music, Universal and EMI,

Most of you will never read this, but on the chance that you do, it's time for you guys to change and what better way to do that than having some 23-year-old white guy sitting in a cubicle tell you what to do. You listening? No? Well, let's jump right into it either way.

First of all, the old model just isn't working anymore. I know how you guys operate. Artist records new album, and you get on the phone with all the PDs at radio stations trying to get them to play whatever the new single is. You then hope for big first week sales and for a buzz to build based off of radio play. I got news for you: THIS FORMULA ISN'T WORKING ANYMORE. Especially in the Rock and Alternative formats. I mean, as much as playing the new Puddle Of Mudd single in Omaha, NB might help, it just isn't going to sell anything. The reason being is that people don't really care and don't really listen to the radio. Yes, I know you guys sit in your offices in L.A. and New York everyday and try to think about reaching "Middle America" but you still find a way to screw that up. Believe it or not, people living in Oklahoma may not be that far behind the times as you initially thought. So, even if you get a number one single on the Alternative chart these days, you're still only bound to sell (maybe) 100,000 copies.

"Wow, aren't you a smart kid. So what should we do?"

Well, first of all, stop wearing sunglasses indoors. You're in your mid-30s. Stop trying to bang your secretary and pay attention. Also, you look like a huge tool when you have guitars in your office and you DON'T ACTUALLY PLAY. What you blowhards first have to realize is, the music audience is too fragmented for there to be superstars anymore. No one's going to take over the world and sell 10 million copies, sell out stadiums, etc. It's just not going to happen. That's not me being bitter and cynical, I'm just being realistic. There are way too many options out there for one act to truly shine. That doesn't mean artists can't still be successful. Just don't put $3 million into a new act that's probably going to only sell 100,000 copies. Give them a reasonable budget to record and then send their asses out on the road. Oh, the debut only sells 50,000 copies? So what. If they're packing clubs and people are talking about them, THAT's important. Remember, the question should be "How many people can we get this music out to?" not "How many people can we get to pay for this music?" Far too much time is spent having a bunch of doofy white dudes in a conference room trying to get Joe Blow from Kansas to plop down $16.99 at their local FYE for the latest Young Jeezy CD. That's going to happen LESS and LESS.

Let me give you an example of how it works now. I have a 17-year-old sister. When she wakes up in the morning, I can pretty much GUARANTEE you this thought never crosses her mind: "Hmmm, I need to go to Sam Goody and buy some CDs today." I'll tell you what does cross her mind when it comes to music "I need to get my friend to send me some Boys Like Girls songs." Yes, notice I said "songs" not "album" not "CD". Kids these days have so many choices, they're not gonna waste their time with a whole CD when they only like a few songs. I still don't get why you guys fought iTunes and other p2p services for so long. You had your chance to use it to your advantage back in 2000 but you still clung to this old model and that's what defeated you.

Alright, so now it's 2007, no one's buying CDs, people are buying ipods and getting their music for free, what do you do? Here's some ideas:

1) Stop signing so many acts. People are getting so tired of reading about "the next big thing" which is really just for more skinny white guys with guitars.

2) Focus on the acts you do sign and don't hold them to such high expectations. Nowadays, if an album doesn't at least go gold the act gets dropped. This goes back to my point that: NOT EVERY ACT NEEDS TO BE STARS. If you give a band a little budget, they'll go out on the road, work up a little fanbase, and make a bit of a career out of it. Sure, they'll never play arenas, but they won't be high maintenance.

3) Stop adding different Bonus tracks on. We don't want to buy a copy from Best Buy, Circuit City, Amazon and iTunes. If you're gonna add Bonus Tracks, just add them to the CD and sell it at ALL the outlets. It's a sign of greed and it just encourages more and more downloading.

4) Don't focus so much on the radio. Playlists are tighter than the beats in "Billie Jean." Plus, people are so disenchanted with the radio, they aren't really listening anymore. I'll tell you what the best thing that can happen to your act is: INTERNET BUZZ. But it has to be slow. Having all the hipster dufus blogs talk about your act will only work for a short time. Having kids on message boards talk about recent shows will build anticipation for the next release. Trust me, it can really work (you've heard of Fall Out Boy, right?)

5) This should be obvious, but take some chances on music style once in a while. Just because a sound is hot right now doesn't mean it will be tomorrow. How much money do you think was wasted in 1990 signing Motley Crue knockoffs only to have Nirvana come and stomp their colons? How about in 2003, when labels were still signing Limp Bizkit sound-a-likes while The White Stripes were tearing it up. At this point: stop signing ironic indie-dance acts, make-up wearing pop-punk bands, etc. Look for a band that's sincere and connects with their fans, that'll never go out of style.

6) Please, no one wants to hear socialites make CDs. Was the Paris Hilton disc really worth all that money you guys put into it? Didn't think so. Nobody cares that much. We just want to read about them in the tabloids. We don't want to hear their computer-enhanced voices.

7) Don't re-package previously released CDs as "deluxe editions" a year later. It's a rip-off to the true fan. If you do want to add this stuff, make it free. There's ways you can have someone insert their CD into their computer and give them a download code for whatever stupid "bonus feature" you have (which is most likely just boring backstage footage, or half-inspired acoustic versions).

8) "Greatest Hits" CDs usually don't work but if you're going to put them out, BE CONSISTENT. Put ALL of the singles on the CD. Don't leave big hit songs out just to try to make it even between all releases. For example, if you're releasing an Oasis greatest hits, the bulk if your material should come from the 90's. Be smart about it guys, come on.

9) Finally, don't pull out of online stores. Universal, you guys pulling out of iTunes was one of the dumbest things ever. That's one of the last remaining places people still go to buy music. I'm sorry, but people aren't going to drive to the store to buy whatever the latest crap is your trying to pawn off as art. Work TOGETHER with these online applications, not against them. While I'm at it, stop suing 9-year-olds for downloading Britney Spears. That's like a professional football player beating up a 14-year-old kid.

I hope you guys learned a little something today, now let's break out of this huddle, call the plays and win the game. Oh, and let's stop that NOW compilation bullshit as well. Thanks,

-your jaded friend

New CD rundown

Ok, here's the deal. There have been lots of new releases this summer and I'm going to give my quick thoughts on all of them. This isn't so much about in-depth reviews so much as me just throwing out some one-liners of new music.

STRATA - Presents The End Of The World
Wow! This came out of left field and totally amazed me. I was expected some more re-hashed yet acceptable melodic-yet-predictable rock. They took a cue from the more textured and experimental rock bands and made one of the best records I've heard this year. Kudos to them for pushing the envelope on their sound and not letting the limits of the genre constrict them.

KORN - Untitled
Hmmm. Many people have pointed out that this band is becoming more and more like a Jonathan Davis side project. I can see their point. While the band is taking some new chances the fact remains that they don't have same punch they used to. Sure, there are moments here and there that sound great but, much like See You On The Other Side, if you listen all at once, you're bound to get bored as the songs simply plod along.

YELLOWCARD - Paper Walls
After the dismal reception of the more mature Lights And Sounds a return to form was necessary for these guys. I think this is their tightest, focused and most confident sounding work to date. "Fighting" is probably as good a song as they'll ever write. For those of you who loved Ocean Avenue, this is a record for you.

SMASHING PUMPKINS - Zeitgist
I really wanted to love this. I like it, but that's all. It sounds like Billy was so concerned with rocking again he forgot all about what made the Pumpkins great in the first place, and that's for their melodies. Sure, old Billy-boy is great at layering guitars and making that classic Big-Muff fuzzy Pumpkins sound, but when he loses the melody, he loses everything. The record hits hard, but that's all. There are moments, like "Starz", that I truly appreciate. I think I have to let this grow on me more.

BAD RELIGION - New Maps Of Hell
These guys just refuse to put out a bad record. Sure, they don't break much new ground, but they still are great songwriters. Their catchy, fast, poppy-but-not-sugary punk continues to satisfy me to this day. Sure, they'll never be TRL mainstays because they're not "cute" enough, but you'd be hard pressed to find a working band today more relevant in the punk community than Bad Religion.

LINKIN PARK - Minutes To Midnight
This CD is pissing a lot of people off. I can see why those longing for their rap-rock sound are angry, but I think this was the best decision for the band. More melodic, more varied and not as predictable, this is where Linkin Park wants to be. Sure, it won't sell as much as Meteora but that's fine. The band can coast off their past sucess for awhile and try new things. Kudos to "The Little Things Give You Away", which is the shining moment on this disc.

CIRCA SURVIVE - On Letting Go
Since they stemmed from the Warped Tour community, the hipster dufus blogs won't give this band a chance. Their loss. Anthony Green's riveting vocals soar over tricky-yet-beautiful guitar lines. Circa doesn't really have hooks persay, but their songs are still infectious in their own strange way. You can hear so many influences yet the band manages to make their own sound out of everything.

More to come later...

They Say Jump, You Say "How High?"

It wouldn't be summer if I didn't visit Randalls Island at least once to see some loud rock n' roll music. The dust pit used to hold the Warped Tour every year until they decided to bring it out to Long Island. Still, I haven't gone a summer without going to Randalls Island since 1999 and this summer was no different. Well, actually it was a little different, this summer was the reunion of Rage Against The Machine at the mostly hip-hop Rock The Bells festival. Hip-hop fans, hard rock fans, meatheads, frat boys and the MTA Transit all celebrated (Open letter to the city of New York and MTA: Hey guys, Thanks for charging the extra dollar on the bus to get to Randalls Island and making everyone buy a round trip ticket in advance. I also would like to express gratitude that you made sure to not allow people to use their monthly passes, since that wouldn't be fair to us who had to pay a dollar extra for the ride. I mean, sure, it's public transportation with set rates but since it's an "express" bus, I'm sure that warrants the extra buck. I'm also sure that all this extra money will go towards raising the salaries of the workers at the MTA and not to, er, I dunno, some rich white guy somewhere. Either way, I'm always happy to hang out with you guys. I actually got a ride back instead of taking the bus, which is too bad, because I was thinking of inviting all the MTA workers over to my apartment where we could make popcorn, snuggle up on the couch, and watch The Notebook on VHS.)

Oh, anyways, the show. A few observations (pre-RATM):

1) Holy shit, Flava Flav looks like he still smokes way too much crack. His eyes are pure YELLOW!

2) Quote of the year so far is when Flav brought his kids out: "Yo, these are my motherfuckin' kids! They're on the honor roll"

3) I never knew the Roots were that talented.

4) Ok, Cypress Hill, really? You guys are almost 40 and you're still obsessed with this slacker/marijuana/gangsta culture. It's time to give it up. As much as people might want to see fat 40-year-olds parade around stage rapping about getting weed in the mail and pretended to be tough guys, it's just laughable. You do realize you're a walking punch line, right?

5) I almost fell asleep during Wu-Tang. Seriously, the whole set seemed like a tribute to the Wu-Tang Clan than them actually performing. They spent 40% of it just getting prepared for the verse "Here we go", "Turn my mic up", "Throw your hands in the air", etc.

Now, Rage Against The Machine. No stupid corny bullshit intro music. No big build-up. They walked onstage with Zach De La Rocha proclaiming "Good evening, we are Rage Against The Machine from Los Angeles, California" and then, BOOM, ripped right into "Testify." The power that these guys bring with their music is incredible. There's no melody to really be found anywhere but it's still breath-taking. Seriously, I think at the end of "Down Rodeo" when Zach whispers "such a quiet, peaceful death" is one of the most beautiful moments in a song I've ever heard. My friend who was having the time of his life in the pits, grabbed me at one point and simply noted "This is awesome man. No computers, no pre-set sounds" and he was right. Rage relies on nothing more than guitar, bass and vocals yet they don't sound tired, they don't sound uninspired, they sound like a violent battle you don't want to fuck with.

Let's not forget that Zach barely said anything. They just ripped through one powerful song after another. This is the type of band where EVERY song they play is huge. Be it "Know Your Enemy", "Guerilla Radio", "Tire Me", every song was a crowd favorite. Zach saved his anti-Bush speech for the end proving that he's just as angry as ever, as he should be given the current administration. As a band, they were tight as ever. You can tell Tom Morello loves playing those riffs, much more than any Audioslave song. If there's one thing this night did for me, it told me I could never give up on rock music. No matter how boring or mundane it can seem at times, there is a reason it still exists. Rage Against The Machine are one of those reasons.

Still, I wondered how many of the fans there were able to grasp what Rage were about. Did they rally behind the social lyrics, the messages of political unfairness and oppression? Did they want to stand up and fight the system, fight the power? Or where they just looking to have a mock football practice and "kick some ass"? There were a lot of big cheers after Zach stated Bush should be brought to justice, but how many of those cheers were people following along with the crowd? How many people can truly think for themselves? Do people really want to stand up and challenge social injustices, or do they just want to let a rock band make them feel empowered for an hour and 20 minutes and then go back to letting FOX News do their thinking for them? Who knows the answers to all these questions but one thing is for sure: we need Rage Against The Machine to stay.

The leak

I read an interesting article in SPIN this month (I know, when do "interesting article" and SPIN ever go in the same senetence?) and I was amazed that it took this long for a magazine to cover this issue. The record leak has been going strong for nearly 10 years and labels are still going apeshit about what to do about it. Some people argue that it takes away from that first listen. You know, how you used to go to the CD store, buy the CD, unwrap the plastic in the parking lot (which would take 5-10 minutes for most people since they still package those things so you have to de-claw, cut, rip apart and scratch the fucking package to get the plastic off. By the way, what the fuck is the point of putting the promotional sticker on the INSIDE of the plastic? If I've already bought it do I really need to know what "hit singles" it features? You already have my $12.99, what do you care?) Anyways, as I was saying, major labels are shitting their pants because kids are downloading the new Young Jeezy jams insteads of forking over $16.99 at their local FYE. Don't worry, that's where your good overstimulated friend comes in to help calm you down. Major labels and major acts should take special note (not like any of you would ever be reading my pathetic blog, but just in case). Little bands, use this to your advantage.

ALBUM LEAK DO'S AND DONT'S

DO stream the CD on your MySpace/Website once you've found out your album leaks. This will allow fans to hear it who might have downloaded it to begin with. Since you can't really rip a stream (and if you do, it sounds like shit) it will allow people to do what they would be doing by downloading it. That is, SEEING IF IT'S ACTUALLY GOOD. Contrary to belief, most people are way too stupid to navigate around the web to find newly leaked material, that is, with crap like Kazaa, Morpheus and all the other McDonald's versions of p2p programs being out of commission. Of course, most people have that one "computer geek" friend who can find anything but, if you stream the CD on your site, your big fans and casual fans will love the early treat and will appreciate you adapting to the times.

DON'T be a little bitch and do a bunch of press saying how you're totally pissed and heartbroken that your record leaked and that you worked so hard and that "people need to appreciate the full presentation of the album." Blah, blah, blah, what this really translates to is "I'm losing sales, don't steal from me." Look, I know you all take a lot of pride in the artwork and layout of the CD, but the fact of the matter is that not that many people care. They want what they want and they want it now. Doing this just makes you look like a crybaby pussy and people lose respect for you. Especially and I repeat ESPECIALLY when you're already a multi-platinum artist. Yes, I know, you don't make as much money as people think with managers, record label execs, producers, engineers, lawyers, publicists, booking agents, etc. to pay but still, it will only hurt your image when you bitch about this and try to make it out like it's a worldwide tragedy (I'm looking in your direction Pete Wentz).

DO post a message on your website/myspace/newsletter indicating that you've been made aware of the leak and make it be something like this: "Hey guys, so we realized our CD leaked and we wanted to let you guys know we're also streaming it on our website if you don't want to have to hunt around the internet for it. We appreciate all your support and hope you still choose to purchase it come . Thanks again, we love our fans!" Really, you'd be surprised at how people respond to honesty.

DO add some bonus features to your CD. Unreleased tracks, music videos, a small DVD. Fans really pick up on this kinda stuff, however...

DON'T charge extra for it. It's really fucking dumb seeing the "deluxe version" of some CD that's $5 more with some DVD of the band basically sitting around playing grabass with each other. Remember, these bonus DVDs are usually something people are only gonna watch once and the "bonus tracks", well, usually there's a reason you didn't want to initially put it on the album. Also, I know it's tempting, but don't do all this bullshit where Best Buy gets a certain bonus track, Circuit City gets another, Itunes, gets another etc. That's basically asking people to download it for free.

Also, here's a few tips on how not to have your CD leaked:

DON'T give it to anybody. Seriously. Giving someone advance music by a big artist is like telling your friend that you're banging your hot math teacher. It's just not something people can keep to themselves. So, if you wonder why your new CD is online and remember giving it to that dipshit friend of your kid brothers, don't come crying to us about it.

DO release a few tracks before the CD is out. Sure, we've all heard the first single, but we want to hear a little more. Give us a taste of what else we can expect. This will give people more of an idea of what the overall album will sound like and they'll have more of an idea if they'll like it or not.

That's all from your sarcastic/cynical friend for now. I hope we all learned something. In other news, I totally downloaded the new Cartel CD. But more on that later...