Indie goes hip-hop, what next?

So, have you any of you heard about this new compilation coming out called Indie Goes Hip Hop? No? Well, it's not that important. Apparently a bunch of "indie" bands (really, what's considered indie these days, even if you're on a non-major label, you still have a bunch of people doing work for you, you're not doing it independantly). Anyways, a bunch of these "indie" bands are covering classic and non-classic hip-hop songs. Wow, I think my irony bubble finally burst.

I mean, I'm sure these guys are totally just paying homage to their influences. I'm sure they're totally not snickering underneath it all and doing it as a big act of "Hey! Isn't it funny and ironic that a bunch of skinny/doofy white guys are covering hip-hop songs. We all grew up in the suburbs and have no idea what it was like to struggle in some of the places these rap artists have been, but we totally just want to pay tribute to them."

The title of this post is "Indie goes hip-hop, what next?" That wasn't asked as a rhetorical question, I'm actually going to tell you what's going to come next. I mean, if indie can go hip-hop than think of how many other cool combinations we can come up with. Here's a few you might be seeing talked about on whatever stupid blog you read or website you visit to purchase music (and maybe in a few of those stores left over that sell CDs).

White Trash Bouncers Rawk Hard, y'all!

At pretty much any show you go to, chances are, there's some big dude with lots of cliche tattoos catching all the fat kids who crowd surf and taking the opportunity to beat ass whenever given the chance. For example, if you drop your cell phone, you can bet this bouncer is going to kick your ass. Anyways, for this compilation, all the angry bouncers are going to sing and play all those stereotypical macho nu metal songs. They'll cover artists such as Godsmack, Saliva, Disturbed, etc. Fans will be amazed at how "hard" the CD sounds. Tough guys everywhere will have a new soundtrack for when they bench that 400 lbs every week.

Rap goes soft rock

Ever wonder what it would be like if Ice Cube covered Michael Bolton? Well now's your chance to hear! In this compilation, we're going to round up the "hardest" rappers and have them sing all those elavator favorites. I don't mean they're going to record a hip-hop version, I mean Ice Cube is literally going to sing Michael Bolton's "When A Man Loves A Woman"? How awesome would that be? The inside will be all of these rappers dressed up in sweaters with turtlenecks, in the midst of a golf game at the country club. Here's a few tentative tracks:

Wu-Tang Clan "My Heart Will Go On" (Celine Dion cover) - They'll take turns doing the verses/choruses since there's so many of them. I think Gizza will actually take the main chorus though.

DMX "You're Beautiful" (James Blunt cover) - It's just going to be DMX on vocals with Suge Knight playing piano. They will hold hands while recording.

Lil John "Your Body Is A Wonderland" (John Mayer cover) - This usual borefest will be brought to life as Lil John croons his way through this touching new version.

Kids Who Constantly Bitch Of Internet Messageboards about bands selling out and being "fags" compilation

On pretty much every messageboard on the internet pertaining to music, there's some kid in his mom's basement, sipping Dr. Pepper and complaining about how sold out, isn't emo enough or are homosexuals. Now, those kids are finally getting a voice! This will actually be a double-disc compilation. All the bands on here will be made up of kids who constantly bitch on the internet. Ironically, it will sound no different from most of the popular bands they bitch about. The same kids who recorded music for the CD will then log onto their own websites forums to call themselves "fagz 4 real" and then saw "p3wnnnnnnd".

Local Brooklyn pretentious hipster/dufus bands covering Creed and Nickelback

Picture this: All those boring "indie" bands from Brookyln that you can't tell apart (because they all have the same damn haircut for some reason) are going to cover the two bands them and the music press complains most about: Nickelback and Creed! Think how amazing it'll be to hear some monotone voice singing "Can you take me hiiiiiiiiiigher?" Amazingly, this compilation will gain more attention than any of these bands ever will.

Record Label Drunk Secretaries Kareoke versions of Artists

You know for sure that every year, despite continuing loss of profit, each major label throws its apathetic employees a Christmas Party. What better idea than to have your employees sing kareoke versions of artists on your label? Say, for example, that you're at the Sony Music Christmas party. While Tommy Motolla is busy getting freaky with whatever the latest pop young diva is, you have his "administrative assistants" (i.e. the girls he bangs on the side) doing a drunken version of "Since U Been Gone." Kids from all over the world can hear what they have to look forward to when they enter a long life of pissing their time away in a cubicle to make more goofy white guys rich. Bonus disc will come for when the intern duets with label president on "Sk8er Grl" or whatever that garbage is...