An open letter to major labels...

Dear Sony BMG, Warner Music, Universal and EMI,

Most of you will never read this, but on the chance that you do, it's time for you guys to change and what better way to do that than having some 23-year-old white guy sitting in a cubicle tell you what to do. You listening? No? Well, let's jump right into it either way.

First of all, the old model just isn't working anymore. I know how you guys operate. Artist records new album, and you get on the phone with all the PDs at radio stations trying to get them to play whatever the new single is. You then hope for big first week sales and for a buzz to build based off of radio play. I got news for you: THIS FORMULA ISN'T WORKING ANYMORE. Especially in the Rock and Alternative formats. I mean, as much as playing the new Puddle Of Mudd single in Omaha, NB might help, it just isn't going to sell anything. The reason being is that people don't really care and don't really listen to the radio. Yes, I know you guys sit in your offices in L.A. and New York everyday and try to think about reaching "Middle America" but you still find a way to screw that up. Believe it or not, people living in Oklahoma may not be that far behind the times as you initially thought. So, even if you get a number one single on the Alternative chart these days, you're still only bound to sell (maybe) 100,000 copies.

"Wow, aren't you a smart kid. So what should we do?"

Well, first of all, stop wearing sunglasses indoors. You're in your mid-30s. Stop trying to bang your secretary and pay attention. Also, you look like a huge tool when you have guitars in your office and you DON'T ACTUALLY PLAY. What you blowhards first have to realize is, the music audience is too fragmented for there to be superstars anymore. No one's going to take over the world and sell 10 million copies, sell out stadiums, etc. It's just not going to happen. That's not me being bitter and cynical, I'm just being realistic. There are way too many options out there for one act to truly shine. That doesn't mean artists can't still be successful. Just don't put $3 million into a new act that's probably going to only sell 100,000 copies. Give them a reasonable budget to record and then send their asses out on the road. Oh, the debut only sells 50,000 copies? So what. If they're packing clubs and people are talking about them, THAT's important. Remember, the question should be "How many people can we get this music out to?" not "How many people can we get to pay for this music?" Far too much time is spent having a bunch of doofy white dudes in a conference room trying to get Joe Blow from Kansas to plop down $16.99 at their local FYE for the latest Young Jeezy CD. That's going to happen LESS and LESS.

Let me give you an example of how it works now. I have a 17-year-old sister. When she wakes up in the morning, I can pretty much GUARANTEE you this thought never crosses her mind: "Hmmm, I need to go to Sam Goody and buy some CDs today." I'll tell you what does cross her mind when it comes to music "I need to get my friend to send me some Boys Like Girls songs." Yes, notice I said "songs" not "album" not "CD". Kids these days have so many choices, they're not gonna waste their time with a whole CD when they only like a few songs. I still don't get why you guys fought iTunes and other p2p services for so long. You had your chance to use it to your advantage back in 2000 but you still clung to this old model and that's what defeated you.

Alright, so now it's 2007, no one's buying CDs, people are buying ipods and getting their music for free, what do you do? Here's some ideas:

1) Stop signing so many acts. People are getting so tired of reading about "the next big thing" which is really just for more skinny white guys with guitars.

2) Focus on the acts you do sign and don't hold them to such high expectations. Nowadays, if an album doesn't at least go gold the act gets dropped. This goes back to my point that: NOT EVERY ACT NEEDS TO BE STARS. If you give a band a little budget, they'll go out on the road, work up a little fanbase, and make a bit of a career out of it. Sure, they'll never play arenas, but they won't be high maintenance.

3) Stop adding different Bonus tracks on. We don't want to buy a copy from Best Buy, Circuit City, Amazon and iTunes. If you're gonna add Bonus Tracks, just add them to the CD and sell it at ALL the outlets. It's a sign of greed and it just encourages more and more downloading.

4) Don't focus so much on the radio. Playlists are tighter than the beats in "Billie Jean." Plus, people are so disenchanted with the radio, they aren't really listening anymore. I'll tell you what the best thing that can happen to your act is: INTERNET BUZZ. But it has to be slow. Having all the hipster dufus blogs talk about your act will only work for a short time. Having kids on message boards talk about recent shows will build anticipation for the next release. Trust me, it can really work (you've heard of Fall Out Boy, right?)

5) This should be obvious, but take some chances on music style once in a while. Just because a sound is hot right now doesn't mean it will be tomorrow. How much money do you think was wasted in 1990 signing Motley Crue knockoffs only to have Nirvana come and stomp their colons? How about in 2003, when labels were still signing Limp Bizkit sound-a-likes while The White Stripes were tearing it up. At this point: stop signing ironic indie-dance acts, make-up wearing pop-punk bands, etc. Look for a band that's sincere and connects with their fans, that'll never go out of style.

6) Please, no one wants to hear socialites make CDs. Was the Paris Hilton disc really worth all that money you guys put into it? Didn't think so. Nobody cares that much. We just want to read about them in the tabloids. We don't want to hear their computer-enhanced voices.

7) Don't re-package previously released CDs as "deluxe editions" a year later. It's a rip-off to the true fan. If you do want to add this stuff, make it free. There's ways you can have someone insert their CD into their computer and give them a download code for whatever stupid "bonus feature" you have (which is most likely just boring backstage footage, or half-inspired acoustic versions).

8) "Greatest Hits" CDs usually don't work but if you're going to put them out, BE CONSISTENT. Put ALL of the singles on the CD. Don't leave big hit songs out just to try to make it even between all releases. For example, if you're releasing an Oasis greatest hits, the bulk if your material should come from the 90's. Be smart about it guys, come on.

9) Finally, don't pull out of online stores. Universal, you guys pulling out of iTunes was one of the dumbest things ever. That's one of the last remaining places people still go to buy music. I'm sorry, but people aren't going to drive to the store to buy whatever the latest crap is your trying to pawn off as art. Work TOGETHER with these online applications, not against them. While I'm at it, stop suing 9-year-olds for downloading Britney Spears. That's like a professional football player beating up a 14-year-old kid.

I hope you guys learned a little something today, now let's break out of this huddle, call the plays and win the game. Oh, and let's stop that NOW compilation bullshit as well. Thanks,

-your jaded friend