Who's your favorite concert character?

After going to numerous shows for 10+ years (yes, it's really been that long assholes) I've determined that there are several common characters you'll find at rock concerts these days. They may very slightly (i.e. the Godsmack tattoo is found on their right bicep rather than their lower back) but mostly epitomize the same stereotype. Please enjoy my list and let me know if I've missed out on any important characters.

1) The Old Stuff Is Better Guy
Doesn't matter what the band is doing these days. They could be making the weirdest instrumental music, creating the hardest rocking tunes of their career or a combination, but this guy is never satisfied. "I'm only here for the old shit" is his most common statement in between drags of a never-ending pack of cigarettes. Forget the fact that he wouldn't have known about the band had it not been for their new stuff (16-year-old Weezer fans, I'm looking in your direction), the only thing worth listening to is the first record (and maybe moments of the second). I'm usually involved in this conversation:

HIM: Yeah dude, the old shit is so much better, after that, the music just got totally gay.

ME: Interesting. So it started having sexual relations with other music of its same gender?

HIM: Shut up, fag.

Unfortunately, this guy never seems to go away because, like his music tastes, he never moves forward in life and will still be seen at every show you're at, shouting for the old songs.

2) The fat "All the girls here are sluts/whores" girl

This is usually the fat girl with glasses that has camped out on the front rail for the past 4 stops of the tour. She'll get there at 5am so she reserves this spot (only usually to have it taken from her when the crowd gets a little rowdy). She's quick to dismiss any semi-attractive girl because, "these girls dress like total sluts." What it really comes down to is the fact that she's insecure and there for pretty much the same reasons as the girls dressed as total tramps: She wants to suck off the touring keyboardist. She's also the same girl that posts on every bands message board with a never ending mantra of pictures of her and bands in her signature as well as pictures of her and her "fiance" (usually a dude who's also overweight and has bad facial hair). If you listen to washed up 90's alt-rock bands, you'll see a lot of these girls (and, since I do listen to lots of washed up 90's alt-rock bands, I have to deal with her a lot).

3) The AC/DC shirt guy

No matter how awesome the show you're at is, no matter how much the band kills it, it will never top the '87 Back In Black tour (NOTE: I don't know, or care, if AC/DC was on tour in 1987 or if they were promoting Back In Black at the time, blow me). Usually carries around some stank bottle of whiskey under his jean jacket that he offers to 14-year-old kids with braces (who take a swig, nearly vomit, and then muster up the courage to say "yeah man, that's some good shit!") Usually also features green teeth, dark ratty long hair and will hit on all those disgusting biker chicks that make you vomit. Luckily, I've been seeing this guy less and less at most shows (probably because he's 55+ at this point). Hopefully we can exterminate this breed from earth and move on.

4) The "yo man, watch my girl" dude

DRESS: Polo shirt or button-down shirt with 2-3 buttons unbuttoned (to show off the sweet chest hair), collar popped, stupid barbed wire tattoo, holding onto his girlfriend who has the skunk dye job, way too much eye make-up and sandals. These two morons usually stake out the front of the stage and when people start dancing, pushing, moshing, and doing the electric slide, this guy is sure to grab anyone who comes within 2 feet of his girl, shove them roughly and shout "Yo man, watch my girl." Another version of this character reverts back to the fat "all the girls are sluts" girl and her annoying boyfriend. They somehow think people are trying to "get" with her when they bump into her and also will shove you when some musclehead with a Godsmack t-shirt starts "kicking major ass!" in the pit and you get thrown into them. Bad news all round people, please don't breed any more fat people (or people who like Godsmack)

5) The pretentious hipster dufus

This (and I say this meaning it's a thing, not a real person) can come in two forms: male or female. They usually stick their nose up at most of the crowd and pat themselves on the back for being from New York (NOTE: Although they live in New York, their usually originally from New Jersey, Iowa, or some other shithole state that they constantly rage against). Cheesy facial hair or elegantly disheveled hair, tight t-shirts and even tighter jeans can be found on these guys. Make sure not to mention the Velvet Underground because they will cream their pants and then you'll be standing in a big wet sopping mess right there in Irving Plaza. What's also funny is, usually, there's some photo tucked away in the family photo album of them with an over-sized Bush or Limp Bizkit shirt on. Everyone of them also thinks that "everyone from high school sucked" and that "I was different" which not only clusters them even closer together, but gives them no form of originality except for the strict code of ethics that them and all their dumbass friends follow. Avoid at all costs (except when going to a Young Jeezy concert)

6) The annoying street team girl

Unlike you and I, when these girls go to defecate, they actually shit out stickers of shitty bands. Seriously, these girls have a never ending supply of stickers to hand out to you as you were entering/exiting a show, going to the bathroom, going to get a drink, going to scratch your ass, etc. One of the best ways this country could stop pollution is getting rid of street teamers and their dumbass stickers for us to conveniently toss onto the ground. Oh, and you assholes who put that bullshit on my windshield during the show, I'm on to you. There will be a stiff kick to the colon if I ever catch you guys. Also, street teamers will usually be running around with a clipboard hoping to get you to sign up for some shitty mailing list so some shitty band can email you 6 times a day about their shitty shows for their shitty music and also shitty updates "from the road."

7) The "hey let's start a mosh pit to this total puss-rock band" guy

If you ever go see a light rock or pop/rock band that has that one semi-aggressive song, there's usually some idiot who tries to start a push mosh pit with a bunch of 40-year-old corporate ball-lickers and little girls around. Clearly lacking the inability to judge the environment he's currently he in, he then acts totally surprised when grabbed by the "yo man, watch my girl" asshole. On the other hand, I kind of like seeing this guy piss everyone off, so it really depends on my mood whether I like him or hate him.

8) The person trying to carry four beers through a packed crowd

This always seems to happen at Hammerstein ballroom for reason. The person has the tray of four drinks, filled to the top, and then tries carrying them all the way to the front WITHOUT SPILLING A DROP. However, when they do spill, it's always on you and is simply brushed off with a "woah, sorry dude."

9) The guy who doesn't quite understand why roadies have to test out the instruments.

What most people understand is that when the roadies do the whole "Check 1, 2, 3" thing into the mic, they are testing the levels, not to see if it works or not. So, yes you, the guy who yells "It works, just plug in and go!", you really need to shut the fuck up. Unless you want the band to sound like a cow getting raped by Raffi, they need to check the levels so everything sounds right. If you can't understand, please go back to watching the WWE or NASCAR or whatever the fuck it is you do to stimulate the two brain cells you have left.

10) The "Freebird" guy

I have no idea why this was ever funny, yet alone why it's still funny but it needs to end. There's no need to yell "Freebird" at some point. No one wants to hear that song and the band you're watching sure as hell doesn't want to play it. Seriously, it's NOT FUCKING FUNNY, stop doing it.

11) The person who uses their sidekick/cell phone for the entire set
Ever notice that when the band first comes on, no longer do people cheer, but cell phones immediately go up to take crappy pictures and videos. Listen, this is for all you losers who post your own videos on You Tube from shows. No one wants to see your crappy video with the shaky camera and the audio that sounds like someone stepping on the nuts of a Siamese cat. IT SOUNDS SHITTY AND IT LOOKS SHITTY which means NO ONE WANTS TO FUCKING WATCH IT. Also, why the hell are you blowhards spending the entire concert trying to get pictures and watching the show through your tiny cell phone video recorder. Is that REALLY how you want to remember the experience?

12) "Hard dudes" at girly pop-punk shows

Ok man, listen, it's Yellowcard at the Nokia Theatre here in Times Square. There's no need for you to wear your bandanna and wife beater and act like you're some trashy bar in White Plains. NOBODY'S IMPRESSED. This guy will be the first to start the pit and will push little girls and small kids around just to "get his mosh on, brah." Why people like this are allowed to breed, I have no idea...

13) Those bored girls in the VIP section

Take a glance up at the VIP section in any club (particularly those in NYC) and you'll see the same old girls with the same shitty blonde hair dye jobs, looking completely bored. In fact, for the most part they don't even know the band, the songs, or even where they are for the most part. What they do know is they've banged the balding bass player at least 40 times and keep coming back for more for some reason since they love the prestige of being up in the VIP area even though they will loudly declare that they are "so sick of the scene." Yeah, right. They will scorn pretty much every other girl in there and will sit with the pout look on their face for the entire night (until later in the evening, when something sweaty is inserted into their mouth, wiping the pout face off for a guaranteed 2 minutes at least).

14) Music Industry blowhards hanging out in the back

There's usually two types of these. The unpaid interns who somehow have business cards trying to impress 16-year-olds by offering them tips for "making it in the industry." The other type is the balding, impotent, cokehead exec who is frustrated because it's not 1994 and kids are stealing all his shitty acts' music off of Limewire or whatever bullshit p2p program is big at the moment. He's usually in the VIP section right along next to the previously mentioned bored VIP girls, looking for a Dirty Sanchez later in the evening while his unaware wife is at home.

15) The bitter/cynical/sarcastic dork who makes fun of everyone and then goes home to write about it in his stupid blog that no one reads.

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.